BackStage

In my very first post, I describe why I started a blog, because I wanted a backstage to put down my stupid ideas and get others to comment on them. So far, it is questionable if either of these goals have been met. But, it was in this first post that Anomie commented:

I think the whole backstage story is one of those lies the adults tell little kids so they feel there really are magical places in the world.

There is no backstage.

I have promised several times throughout my blog to address this, but haven’t yet. This is first in a series of addressing this. I am going to address this in parts, because I think some of my posts tend to run too long. So, to begin this, I offer you a clip from one of my favorite movies (again, starring Robin Williams… no surprise there from me), Good Will Hunting:

Those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that I only knew about. That’s what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me too. She knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not. Oh, that’s the good stuff. Then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.

I have an old friend from high school who rewrites all of his letters before he sends them out… rewrites them if there is a single mistake. Why? Because he wanted his letters, those representations of himself, to be perfect. When I met one of his friends from college, we teased him about this. He got very upset that I told her about this little peccadillo. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I was letting her in on part of his backstage that I had been privileged to and she had not. From my position, I was sharing how great he was (because these oddnesses I do think are what make us wonderful). From his, I was betraying his trust. Now that I understand this, I feel bad about this when I reflect on it all these years later. In fact, I even emailed him to make sure that it was okay to share this story. Again, showing that there is some type of backstage between him and I in our friendship. I felt the need to communicate with him to clarify what was backstage and what was not.

On a related, side note, I’m wondering if we sometimes “slip up” and give away backstage information on our loved ones to make claims on them to others. “See, look what I know about X.”

In my marriage, this is a problem that Blue and I have sometimes. He likes to tease me with our friends, but in doing so, sometimes he lets slip details about my backstage. Things that I was not wanting to share with those particular people at that time. It reminds me of that Mad About You episode where Jamie and Paul are at a party (evidently there is a similar one for Seinfeld). They have a system worked out to indicate to the other how to move through the interaction. Signs for “Save me, this person is boring” or “It’s time to go!” Blue and I have some of those codes too. Paul violates the backstage when he shares the signals with someone else at the party in order to impress her. Later, Jamie uses the “OMG, Save me, this person is boring” signal while talking to this woman.

I think marriage (and being in a couple in general) is one example where there is a clear “team” and a clear “stage” and “backstage.”

Here’s a great post that has people writing in about their signals. Do you guys have these with your partners?